Wooden Spoon
I didn’t think that things could get any worse at work in terms of our budget process and the decision-making of our corporate finance dudes.
I was wrong.
Corp Finance: “We have a new tool for you. It is state-of-the-art, cutting edge!”
Me: “Oh yes, what’s that then?!”
CF: “It is a saw! We want you to cut your own arm off!”
[Saw-shaped cardboard box arrives – inside is a wooden spoon]
CF: “You got the new tool yes?!”
Me: “It’s a wooden spoon – you promised me a saw!”
CF: “Erm, there were problems in testing. You have a different tool, but we still want you to cut the arm off!”
[Two weeks later]
CF: “Can you cut your other arm off please?”
Me: “What with – I only have one arm and a wooden spoon!”
CF: “Your teeth?”
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Friday, July 30, 2010
United Wastes of America
Our visit to Disney World corresponded with Memorial Weekend in the US. Many aspects of the American way of life frustrate and distress me, not least the culture of over-excessiveness and wastefulness, but one thing I can admire the US for is its national pride in its armed forces. Memorial Weekend, and the days leading up to it, feature giant Stars and Stripes flying from buildings everywhere and signs on diners, bus tops and billboards urging citizens to ‘support our troops’.
Walking through the Disney parks that week was a sobering experience: you couldn’t help but notice the significant number of young men on crutches or in wheelchairs with missing limbs and scarred flesh. Most were with their friends and families, doing their best to overcome their disabilities and enjoy a day out. Most were wearing their combat fatigues or T-shirts proudly proclaiming that they were ‘combat wounded’ or ‘a recipient of the Purple Heart’. Artificial metal legs were on show under shorts, rather than covered-up and denied. Young men whose lives had been damaged – some might say wastefully – in service to their country.
And alongside them, riding their mobility scooters towards the snack stands and restaurants, were the obese. Those too fat and too lazy to carry themselves on their own two intact legs, killing themselves due to relentless over-indulgence and service to their stomachs. Mingling with, and making a great hideous mockery of, those struggling on crutches or being pushed by wives in their wheelchairs who had sacrificed their bodies in service to their country.
Our visit to Disney World corresponded with Memorial Weekend in the US. Many aspects of the American way of life frustrate and distress me, not least the culture of over-excessiveness and wastefulness, but one thing I can admire the US for is its national pride in its armed forces. Memorial Weekend, and the days leading up to it, feature giant Stars and Stripes flying from buildings everywhere and signs on diners, bus tops and billboards urging citizens to ‘support our troops’.
Walking through the Disney parks that week was a sobering experience: you couldn’t help but notice the significant number of young men on crutches or in wheelchairs with missing limbs and scarred flesh. Most were with their friends and families, doing their best to overcome their disabilities and enjoy a day out. Most were wearing their combat fatigues or T-shirts proudly proclaiming that they were ‘combat wounded’ or ‘a recipient of the Purple Heart’. Artificial metal legs were on show under shorts, rather than covered-up and denied. Young men whose lives had been damaged – some might say wastefully – in service to their country.
And alongside them, riding their mobility scooters towards the snack stands and restaurants, were the obese. Those too fat and too lazy to carry themselves on their own two intact legs, killing themselves due to relentless over-indulgence and service to their stomachs. Mingling with, and making a great hideous mockery of, those struggling on crutches or being pushed by wives in their wheelchairs who had sacrificed their bodies in service to their country.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Gorilla in the Midst
After watching Dom Joly's Channel 4 documentary about Tintin the other night, I twittered that I 'thought it was a bit shit' to the man himself. Not really expecting anything back*, I was surprised to receive an instant put-down reply of 'next time I will use smaller words'. Clearly I'd touched a nerve, or perhaps a knob, on the hotshot comic and the response drives me to put pen to paper and write a proper review of the show -- complete with longer words -- in order to do justice to my two word summary.
Having followed Dom's Twitter updates describing his excitement at filming his Tintin piece, I sat down expecting great things from the 24 minute show: an anticipated mix of Dom's trade-mark zany comedy antics and tremendous travelogue musings, a dash of Herge history, a cruel send-up of those wacky Belgians and Scots, and a healthy dose of fun. Oh the disappointment! Rather than an entertaining and informative programme, we the viewers got a badly-edited and light-weight street-pizza dish devoid of any elongated** enlightenment or interest. In order to squeeze the show into the short allotted time-slot Dom's visits to the Tintin museum in Brussels, and his interviews with genuinely interesting subject experts, were cut horribly short. Either side of these truncated snippets we endured the embarrassing spectacle of Dom roaming Grand Place, the Scottish Highlands and various forms of transport, dressed as Tintin*** and doing his usual Trigger Happy stuff.
Unfortunately it was these Trigger Happy style moments that seriously misfired and undermined the rest of the programme. In particular the footage of Dom deciding to steal a dog from outside a Brussels bar -- purely because Dom needed a Snowy**** -- left a nasty taste in the mouth, as the act was neither funny or clever, and the reaction of the dog owner must be something the comic will be proud of for years to come (perhaps next time Dom could steal a baby?!). A real highlight! As for the dressing-up, it failed to disguise the lack of comedy or substance in Dom's role: just as a pantomime dame's oufit is unfunny in itself, but merely a vehicle for the humour of the script or the actors satirical talents, so Dom's garbs were hollow -- but also unsupported by genuine jolly capers or jokes. Ultimately the show couldn't decide whether it was a travel programme, a history of Tintin, or just an excuse for the same old "take the piss" cheap laughs, and as a result it failed to hit the target on any count.
There were a few moments of silliness that brought a smile to the face -- the silent gorilla ending -- and some clever research and camera-work on spotting and recreating panels from the Black Isle book, but on the whole I felt it was missing a little bit of magic and was a lost opportunity to really capture the story and legacy of Tintin.
I think I'd summarise the programme, considering my high expectation levels, as a little disappointing and a bit shit. Sorry Dom.
* Unlike that letter I wrote to Ainsley Harriott, where I criticised his mushroom cuppa soup with the brilliantly inventive description of 'I thought it was a bit shit'.
** How's that for a long word Dom?
*** Dom's authentic red-coloured hair made him look more like a podgy Jimmy Somerville than the famous little detective.
**** The dog looked nothing like Snowy.
After watching Dom Joly's Channel 4 documentary about Tintin the other night, I twittered that I 'thought it was a bit shit' to the man himself. Not really expecting anything back*, I was surprised to receive an instant put-down reply of 'next time I will use smaller words'. Clearly I'd touched a nerve, or perhaps a knob, on the hotshot comic and the response drives me to put pen to paper and write a proper review of the show -- complete with longer words -- in order to do justice to my two word summary.
Having followed Dom's Twitter updates describing his excitement at filming his Tintin piece, I sat down expecting great things from the 24 minute show: an anticipated mix of Dom's trade-mark zany comedy antics and tremendous travelogue musings, a dash of Herge history, a cruel send-up of those wacky Belgians and Scots, and a healthy dose of fun. Oh the disappointment! Rather than an entertaining and informative programme, we the viewers got a badly-edited and light-weight street-pizza dish devoid of any elongated** enlightenment or interest. In order to squeeze the show into the short allotted time-slot Dom's visits to the Tintin museum in Brussels, and his interviews with genuinely interesting subject experts, were cut horribly short. Either side of these truncated snippets we endured the embarrassing spectacle of Dom roaming Grand Place, the Scottish Highlands and various forms of transport, dressed as Tintin*** and doing his usual Trigger Happy stuff.
Unfortunately it was these Trigger Happy style moments that seriously misfired and undermined the rest of the programme. In particular the footage of Dom deciding to steal a dog from outside a Brussels bar -- purely because Dom needed a Snowy**** -- left a nasty taste in the mouth, as the act was neither funny or clever, and the reaction of the dog owner must be something the comic will be proud of for years to come (perhaps next time Dom could steal a baby?!). A real highlight! As for the dressing-up, it failed to disguise the lack of comedy or substance in Dom's role: just as a pantomime dame's oufit is unfunny in itself, but merely a vehicle for the humour of the script or the actors satirical talents, so Dom's garbs were hollow -- but also unsupported by genuine jolly capers or jokes. Ultimately the show couldn't decide whether it was a travel programme, a history of Tintin, or just an excuse for the same old "take the piss" cheap laughs, and as a result it failed to hit the target on any count.
There were a few moments of silliness that brought a smile to the face -- the silent gorilla ending -- and some clever research and camera-work on spotting and recreating panels from the Black Isle book, but on the whole I felt it was missing a little bit of magic and was a lost opportunity to really capture the story and legacy of Tintin.
I think I'd summarise the programme, considering my high expectation levels, as a little disappointing and a bit shit. Sorry Dom.
* Unlike that letter I wrote to Ainsley Harriott, where I criticised his mushroom cuppa soup with the brilliantly inventive description of 'I thought it was a bit shit'.
** How's that for a long word Dom?
*** Dom's authentic red-coloured hair made him look more like a podgy Jimmy Somerville than the famous little detective.
**** The dog looked nothing like Snowy.
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Nibbles
India’s school Christmas play is fast approaching. Last year she was Mary. This year she is a Christmas mouse. She has two lines to say (something about mice hurrying home). Although I have no idea how a Christmas mouse will feature in the Nativity -- in the corner of the stable perhaps? -- I suppose we should be grateful that she at least has a squeaking part.
India’s school Christmas play is fast approaching. Last year she was Mary. This year she is a Christmas mouse. She has two lines to say (something about mice hurrying home). Although I have no idea how a Christmas mouse will feature in the Nativity -- in the corner of the stable perhaps? -- I suppose we should be grateful that she at least has a squeaking part.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Oxford United
At the moment supporting Oxford United is a bit like putting your favourite CD on the turntable... only to discover that 30 seconds into Track 1 that the CD has picked up a jump. So you fast-forward into Track 2 and it all sounds smooth until 30 seconds into it and pop, Track 2 jumps too! Fast-forward into Tracks 3, 4 and 5 and they're all the same: start off nice and then it all goes belly-up. You hope that's it's just a fleck of dust that's causing the read-errors, but when you take the CD out of the machine and turn it over... you see there's a big scratch right across the disc and it's completely fucked.
At the moment supporting Oxford United is a bit like putting your favourite CD on the turntable... only to discover that 30 seconds into Track 1 that the CD has picked up a jump. So you fast-forward into Track 2 and it all sounds smooth until 30 seconds into it and pop, Track 2 jumps too! Fast-forward into Tracks 3, 4 and 5 and they're all the same: start off nice and then it all goes belly-up. You hope that's it's just a fleck of dust that's causing the read-errors, but when you take the CD out of the machine and turn it over... you see there's a big scratch right across the disc and it's completely fucked.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The End is Nigh
Strong rumours have it that Oxford United will go into administration today, probably just before or during the club's televised game versus Cambridge United tonight. Ian Lennegan apparently wants to draw a line under the business so he can concentrate on his new Wigan rugby league venture.
The situation is inevitable, and if the club doesn't go bust today, it will happen sooner rather than later. I had thought the end of the season, but it's clearly going to be before Christmas. The business model is unsustainable. Merry and Lennegan's business plan assumption that we would bounce back up at the first (or at worse second) attempt has been undermined. Things cannot continue as they are and the credit crunch has killed off any hope of new investment or buying the Kassam Stadium.
Fingers will be pointed at Kassam, but Merry & Lennegan have to be held responsible for striking poor acquistion and stadium rental deals with Kassam, and Jim Smith is ultimately the manager who failed to keep us up, drank away our chance of bouncing straight back and then frittered the transfer money away on poor signings and big wages.
I'm upset and gutted to the pit of my stomach.
Strong rumours have it that Oxford United will go into administration today, probably just before or during the club's televised game versus Cambridge United tonight. Ian Lennegan apparently wants to draw a line under the business so he can concentrate on his new Wigan rugby league venture.
The situation is inevitable, and if the club doesn't go bust today, it will happen sooner rather than later. I had thought the end of the season, but it's clearly going to be before Christmas. The business model is unsustainable. Merry and Lennegan's business plan assumption that we would bounce back up at the first (or at worse second) attempt has been undermined. Things cannot continue as they are and the credit crunch has killed off any hope of new investment or buying the Kassam Stadium.
Fingers will be pointed at Kassam, but Merry & Lennegan have to be held responsible for striking poor acquistion and stadium rental deals with Kassam, and Jim Smith is ultimately the manager who failed to keep us up, drank away our chance of bouncing straight back and then frittered the transfer money away on poor signings and big wages.
I'm upset and gutted to the pit of my stomach.
Monday, September 15, 2008
It’s a pirates life for me
When pirates sailed the Seven Seas they used to entertain each other with horrific stories about Sirens luring men to their deaths on the rocks; giant waves smashing ships to smithereens as if made from matchwood; and great ocean beasts swallowing seamen whole.
Today pirates scare the hebe-gebes out of each other with tales of how you might entertain 20 under 6’s at a children’s birthday party.
“Y’ah! Tis a story to chill the very marrow of yer bones. Twenty princesses and pirates all armed to the teeth with modeling balloons! A great pink sponge cake with a Barbie sticking out the top! Paper plates of iced gems and tortilla chips all smashed to smithereens! Musical statues and sleeping lions! A place no man should ever have to visit! Beware the children’s party!”
I quite enjoyed it really.
When pirates sailed the Seven Seas they used to entertain each other with horrific stories about Sirens luring men to their deaths on the rocks; giant waves smashing ships to smithereens as if made from matchwood; and great ocean beasts swallowing seamen whole.
Today pirates scare the hebe-gebes out of each other with tales of how you might entertain 20 under 6’s at a children’s birthday party.
“Y’ah! Tis a story to chill the very marrow of yer bones. Twenty princesses and pirates all armed to the teeth with modeling balloons! A great pink sponge cake with a Barbie sticking out the top! Paper plates of iced gems and tortilla chips all smashed to smithereens! Musical statues and sleeping lions! A place no man should ever have to visit! Beware the children’s party!”
I quite enjoyed it really.
