The Timewaster Letters

As expected the bitch dropped us yesterday. In a rage of frustration, I disobeyed a direct order from Vic and emailed Dr. HP (the bitch) for some feedback from the horse's mouth.

My email:

I'm disappointed and distressed to learn from Paul of [Our Estate Agents] that you've offered on another property and withdrawn from our sale, when we were just a few days away from being able to exchange contracts on Nobby's House.

Paul has given me feedback on your reasons for pulling out:
a) Had time to think / reconsider.
b) Concerned about legal right of way.
c) Concerned about the [lack of] damp-proofing.
d) Answers to outstanding queries have not been forthcoming.

Frankly, I'm surprised at these reasons:
b) In almost four years we have never had any problem with using the access to our property's back garden. Our neighbour, Mrs. Kim has always allowed us access, as is our legal right. There has never been an issue of any sort. She has provided us with a key to the new gate lock she installed last year. She has offered us the use of the side passage for bike storage, etc. We use the access every week in the winter and more often in the summer.

c) We instructed an independent third-party surveyor (Peter Cox Ltd) to give a clearer idea of the true extent of the damp and costs of treating it on the 4th of January. Their report was available to you on Friday evening, but you have not requested a copy of that report. In summary, the cost of a new damp-proof course is just £400 (inc. VAT) and all work could be done externally -- i.e. no internal mess. As all of the internal walls downstairs -- apart from the hallway -- have been replastered in water-proofed cement sand render within the last two years, it is highly likely that no replastering apart from patches in the hallway will ever be necessary. The estimated cost of replastering the hallway is £250. The surveyor described our property as "being in good condition".

d) Our answers to all of your outstanding queries were available from our solicitor on Friday evening.

Considering that the cost of the damp-proof treatment was going to be no more than £650, our invitation to you to make a new offer at £201,500 was a fair and generous one.

That offer is still on the table, if you are inclined to reconsider.

Sincerely yours,
Nobby

I thought she'd reply "fuck off", but in fact I got the following:

Dear Nobby,
I am sorry you are disappointed and I appreciate that my decision will
cause you some delay in moving on, but I believe I have made the right
decision in buying another house.

I have had some concerns all along about no 79 and its suitability for
my family, but your house was the one I liked best from those available
when I was looking in November, and due to my need to move quickly, I
decided to go ahead with the purchase despite my concerns.

I'm sure Paul has outlined these to you, but in case he has not provided
you with the details, I will do so.

> b) Concerned about legal right of way.
I am glad you have had no issues with your neighbour. I spoke to her
twice and while she acknowledged the legal right of way, she made it
very clear that she does not want people to use the access that crosses
her back garden, especially in the summer, when she might be using her
garden, and at night, when she would find it understandably frightening
for people to walk past her window. Moreover, the passageway is full of
dustbins etc, which make it very difficult to pass through with
bicycles. As an alternative, she suggested we took rubbish, garden waste
etc through the house, which she said had always been done before.
This arrangement does not suit us because of (a) the very nice cream
carpets in the dining area, (b) the fact that we regularly go for bike
rides in the summer, and most importantly (c) because my teenage
daughter cycles to work in the evenings and would need to store her bike
safely on coming home. Your neighbour kindly offered us the possibility
of storing one bike in the passageway, under the condition that we did
not then use the back access but always used the front door; this
alleviates my latter concern somewhat, but doesn't allay my concerns
about freedom of access more generally.

> c) Concerned about the [lack of] damp-proofing.
> d) Answers to outstanding queries have not been forthcoming.

Both my solicitors and myself have been surprised at the unnecessary
delay in your solicitors' responses since the middle of December, given
that you knew I was hoping for a very quick purchase. I was
particularly disappointed by your initial refusal to negotiate on the
costs raised by the surveyor's report in order to organise the work
yourself, despite my hurry to move, and then hearing more than 3 weeks
later that you had not arranged for the work to be done but had simply
got a second quote for the work. This caused unnecessary delay in the
purchase, as we could have agreed a figure in mid-December. The fact
that you now wish to negotiate a figure for the work on the basis of
this second quote was not passed on to me until earlier this week, by
which time I had come across a property that I think is more suited to
us. I hardly need point out that if you had agreed a figure for the work
in December, we would have exchanged before this week, and this
situation would not have arisen.

I hope these facts clarify my decision . I hope you and your family find
a new purchaser very quickly - you have a lovely home and I am sure it
won't take too long.
Yours,
Dr HP


Which is lovely, except she's talking bollocks. "Facts" my arse. So I replied:

Thank you for your reply and frankness.
I shall be taking up the access right of way with my neighbour and solicitor.

However, I am very unhappy about your approach to the damp-proofing.
Your survey was NOT an estimate or quote of costs. The £2,500 retention was a joke and the surveyor recommended a specialist report. We commissioned that specialist report. You did not ask us to carry out any works. You offered a reduction of £4,000 on the purchase price -- a joke considering the work required. We could not get any work done in that "3 week" period because, as you are fully aware, it was Christmas and New Year -- how and who was going to do this work?! And why would we get work done without a quote first? How could we negotiate "in December" when our solicitor didn't receive your joke offer until the 23rd of December and we had no idea of the true cost of works on which to base any renegotiation? YOU wanted guarantees and work carried out by a specialist company -- the 4th of January was the earliest day ANY damp-proofing company in Oxon and Bucks could get out to assess things.

You clearly live on a different planet to the rest of us. You are a timewaster and with the beauty of hindsight I can see we are better-off without you as our buyer.

[End of communication]


I'm expecting a "fuck off" reply now, but so far, no sign.
I know it's childish, but the exchange has made me feel much better about things.
Vic is completely unimpressed, but an exchange of emails is far more civilised than an exchange of firebombs...

Bitch

The fucking time-wasting, untrustworthy, nit-picking, indecisive, psycho bitch has offered on another property that has just come to market. Fucking bitch.

We now have to wait to see whether her -- low -- offer is accepted. If so, we'll be dropped like a hot potato, and Vic will go knocking on her door and kill her. If not, we might be still on.

[2 min later update]
I've just told Vic and I quote "I'm going to go round and firebomb her house".
Followed by tears.

Fucking bitch.

The Doomsday Clock Tick Tick Tocks

The dread hands of human bone click silently on towards the midnight hour.

We're expecting a call any minute from our estate agents telling us whether or not we have lost our [house] buyer. On Friday she phoned up Lightfoots for "an update" -- things are progressing, we're addressing all your queries and £4,000 offer reduction* -- and finished the call by telling our agent that she would like to view some other houses. Probably a crude attempt to hurry things along and put some pressure on the chain. Oops. Big mistake lady, as by asking to view other properties you give our agent no option other than to tell us to put our house back on the market -- it has to work both ways our agent said (and he's right).

"Fine" was her response.

* Her offer was reduced in light of her survey that showed an area of damp in the hallway, and her concerns at the lack of guarantees on the damp-proof course. £4,000? When a new DPC costs £400 including the VAT?

"Why don't you go fuck yourself." is what I'd like to tell her. But instead we've offered a generous £1,000 discount off the original purchase price (which was too low anyway), with the tagline that it is a take-it or leave-it counter-offer.

Now we await her response. She's been thinking about it overnight. I guess she might make the call over lunch time.

The doomsday clock is ticking.

Fingers crossed it doesn't chime.

Waterlogged Pitch

Carlisle United's football ground is under 4ft of water. Irthington is on higher ground and far enough away from the River Eden to have escaped with just a soaking and a storm-battering. However, Ann and David are without power, heating or much food. David is planning to BBQ random meat out of their defrosting freezer indoors tonight -- he can't do it outdoors as the village is completely pitch-black. You might use the words "flood disaster zone" in normal circumstances.

The Daily Mail blames global warming.

When asked why she couldn't use her anti-terrorism stash of consumables and food-stuffs that she had been going on about for six months (at the same time telling us that we need one), Ann revealed that it has absolutely nothing in it. At least nothing that doesn't have to be cooked in the oven / on the hob. In fact their emergency provisions seem to consist of a slab of beers and a bottle of Chilean Chardonnay.