A Clean Sweep

Firstly, hello to Kelly at Lilac Senses. She's the second alien blogger to link to me. My excitement at being linked to is probably a source of great amusement to veteran bloggers, but as this stuff is all new to me, I can't help but get a warm rosy feeling inside at the thought that at least two net trawlers have liked my ramblings enough to come back for more. I'm really looking forward to getting my first "blogs to avoid" link though. That will be cool.

One of Kelly's recent postings gives a dire warning about the dangers of open fires and the importance of having your chimney swept by a qualified professional. Taking her terrifying story of exploding oil burners and chimney fires to heart, we had our chimney swept yesterday by our local sweep. Actually it was pure coincidence, but I'm thanking my lucky stars we've had it done.

What was a slight disappointment was the fact he didn't look as if he was in Mary Poppins - no flat cap, no sooty face, no black hands and no dancing on rooftops. He didn't even have a team of small street urchins with him to run up the stack and distract old ladies while he pockets the family silver. He looked like a van driver and just had a big industrial-sized hoover which sucked all the soot down the chimney. Clean as a whistle guv'nor.


Renaming The Blog For Financial Gain

I told you I was obsessed with them, and now I'm thinking of renaming the blog "The Unofficial Ikea Snake Website" and changing the colours to a lurid lime green.

I will then email Ikea's Marketing Manager, point out the fact that if you search for Ikea+Snake on Google you find this blog, and attempt to blag not just a crate of free snakes to give away to Thame's street urchins - who cannot even get jobs as chimney sweep monkeys - but a whole new Ikea-funded kitchen makeover as well!

I will of course retain all rights to Unofficial Ikea Snake Website merchandise. Mugs, T-shirts, pens, giant inflatable Ikea Snakes to wave at football, sex toys and Ikea Snake halloween masks. I'm going to make a mint.


All Hallows Eve

Halloween is just a week away. The americanism that is Trick or Treat has breached Britain's defenses and the whole "let's go and scare the crap out of old folks by dressing up as demons and knocking on their doors begging for sweets and money" thing grows exponentially each year. Ten years ago, the best masks you could buy here were of the rubbish 99p flimsy plastic variety that would cut your face or gouge out your eyes if you put them on wrong. These days we can get hold of the life-like soft rubber masks dead-easy and I love 'em!

I have a goblin mask that freaks Vic out, and last year I wore it to greet little tricksters at the door. I did the full goblin act - hunched over, lurching about, stupid voice, etc. Three eleven year old boys who came a knocking didn't know what to do or say apart from a nervous "but we're the ones who are meant to be dressed up!".

They were disturbed, but not quite enough for my liking, so this year I'm going to do things properly. I'm going to make a pumpkin lantern and pop his evil grinning head in the front window. I will wear my mask again, but this time in unison with a butchers apron splashed with a bucket of pigs blood from top-sausage makers Newitts. If anyone has a chainsaw I could borrow to top off the outfit, I'd be much obliged. Otherwise I'll have to make do with using a garden fork or spade from the shed.

That should impress the neighbours.