Ikea Snake Update

Just as I'm in a position to justify a purchase of the legendary green soft toy, Ikea change the design from evil lime green to a hideous multicoloured puke. My precious Ikea Snakes no longer resemble the Serpent who reminded Adam and Eve of the need for five portions of fresh fruit and vegetables each day. No -- they now look like draught excluders.

Those Swedish fools...


Congratulations

Sally and David's wedding was great. Heythropp Park was a beautiful venue and Sally matched it -- she looked sensational.

Both of them were bags of nerves though.

In the ceremony, David managed to grunt "Hmmm-hmmm!" instead of saying "Yes, I do!" -- incurring the wrath of the registrar -- and Sally managed to burst out laughing at the mention of her name.

In the line-up, when I shook Sally's hand, gave her a kiss and told her "Congratulations!"... all she managed to say was "Congratulations!" straight back at me.

[Wedding auto-pilot is on]


Colleague Update

I haven't commented on my colleagues recently, and as this blog got its first stranger links on the back of colleague-related back-biting, it's time we had an update.

Tina

She went on holiday to Greece with her sixteen year old daughter Catherine. Whilst Tina drank a cocktail by the pool side, Catherine took a refreshing swim. A middle-aged man approached Tina, sat down on the sun lounger beside her, and without taking his eyes off Catherine opened the conversation with:

"A sixteen year old girl and a suitcase of viagra, in my hotel room for a week, is what I call a good holiday..."

On their way home, they smuggled an extra litre of vodka past customs by tipping it into an empty Evian water bottle. Upon arrival back home, Tina noticed that many of her house plants were desperate for a drink.

So she used the bottle of "Evian"...

Mandy

Last week Mandy received 12 text messages from a random stranger, who apparently had been given a wrong number by a fleeting acquaintance. They were all along the lines of "I can't wait to have your wet **** on my face, so I can lick you out." quickly followed up with "I love you".

She tried to phone him back, but he unfortunately refused to pick up.

Julian

Since December Julian hasn't said a word. That's eight months of silence. He didn't even say anything when:

1) He collapsed in the office.
2) I sent him a £100 Congestion Charge bill (mock-up) from London Mayor Ken Livingston as an April Fool.
3) We decorated his desk for his 30th birthday.
4) I was the only guy out of 200 to wear my shorts to the company BBQ. ["The legs, the legs!"]
5) Terrorists, dressed in gorilla suits, took his framed studio-posed photo of himself and Eileen hostage.

Mandy tried to track down his Friends Reunited entry. There isn't one, but there is this snippet of mystery from an old school friend/bully.