The Friday Sweepstake

I have the pleasure of working with Julian, Tina and Mandy.
They are our accounts payable and accounts receivable team, and there is a Tina and a Mandy in every AP department in every company in the UK.
Imagine Patty and Selma from The Simpsons.
Julian is thirty going on fifty five. People mistake the photo on his desk of him and his girlfriend for a photo of him and his mum. That's because his girlfriend is old enough to be his mum. He even gives Aylesbury a bad name.
J, T & M's world revolves around The Mirror, BBC TV's Animal Hospital, Asda chicken kievs and the lowest common denominator.

A typical exchange would be:

"Why are you reading that Harry Potter book?" says Mandy to me. "It's for kids! You should read a proper book for adults... like Jackie Collins."

[Cock the imaginary pistol]

However, the daily chit-chat oftens throws up some real classics, and I will bring you these occasional Julianisms as and when they happen. For example:

We are discussing the Israeli - Palestinian conflict. There have been weeks of terrible bloodshed and atrocities against civilians on both sides. Tina's take on it all is "We should bang their 'eads together... that'd sort it."

Todays little gem is:

Julian received a direct mail Christmas catalog through the post this morning. He and Tina couldn't believe it had arrived so early in the year, and began discussing what the shops - Asda and Woolworths - would be full of over the next few months. "They'll be full of Christmas stuff, but before that they'll have Halloween and then Bonfire Night things for the kids..." remarks Tina.

Julain's response: "Yeah, you're right... they always market these big events towards the kids don't they. Halloween, Bonfire Night, Christmas...

and Ski Trips."

[Cock the imaginary shotgun.]

Tomorrow we shall play our regular Friday Morning Sweepstake game. We all guess at what time Julian will first ask someone his buzzword bingo catchphrase of "So what are your plans for the weekend then?"

Experience shows it will either be over our cooked breakfast, or between 11:00 and 11:30 am.
We sit praying that he won't ask us, as if you're the lucky individual who gets asked the question, it's damn hard to suppress the giggles. And you don't want to be spraying half-munched fried egg over the breakfast table.

It's not that he doesn't care what you're up to - he is genuinely interested most of the time. He just then uses it as a gateway to tell you - in graphic monotone detail for ten mind-numbing minutes - what he and mum are up to. I really don't need to know how many square-foot of retail space the Woolworths in MK (why the f*ck can't he call it Milton Keynes) has.

You'll have to email me before 9:00 am if you want a piece of the Sweepstake action.